Crap. Now I'm worried that I'm making the wrong choice by moving into the first place I find. I think it's just the stress of moving so soon thats freaking me out, but I don't know. It looks like I'll have to keep my storage unit becuase I have a dining room table w/ chairs and no room for them in the new place. Also, I don't think I'll be using or have enough room for the TV stand that I have.
It will be fine. Everything will be fine. I need to stop stressing and worrying over it all.
That was fast.
I got the apartment.
The one that's 3 blocks from the library, and has a fireplace. Now I just have to figure out how to move everything... I mean I'm pregnant and not supposed to be doing any major lifting. I guess my brother and dad could help, even though I know they don't want to... and Jayme and Keith might be able to help. If they can help then that will work out fine.
I was thinking of moving the weekend of the 7th & 8th, but if I move the 31st & 1st then I can avoid paying for another month with the storage unit. Thats only $50, but still. Jeez that's next weekend. I am going to be stressed out. But when it's all done with, I'll have my own place... *swoon* For as paranoid as I can get being home alone it seems a strange desire, but I've always wanted a place of my own. I hate living with other people... they drive me crazy. My last roommate left cupboards open everytime she got something out of them, and she left open boxes of crackers on the floor next to the couch. Well anyways, I think is a good move. I'm excited.
Man, I don't want to take the crib apart for the third time. Damnit.
The exhaustion of being pregnant always hits me at the most inopportune times. I feel like I could fall asleep sitting up right now. My joints and muscles are protesting that they actually have to move. It's so sudden, and so overwhelming... I wish I had a sleeping bag under my desk.
I'm starting to understand why Delaney said it was ok to hate pregnancy. Well I understand why, but I wasn't at that point yet, just very close.
I looked at 2 rentals over the weekend. One has a large bedroom with an extra platform to one side (where the closet is) with space for a desk or crib, decent sized living room, pergo floors, no carpeting (which is a plus), fireplace, lots of light, living room bay windows, 2 entrances, ok sized kitchen, and small bathroom with new tile (no tub, only shower). W/S/G is included. Closer to work, walking distance to library (3 blocks), park, waterfront, downtown shops, my midwife, restaurants, and the public market. Also, it might have some water views, small ones, if you're looking out the bay windows the right direction.
The other one is in the same city where I'm at now, which I'm not too pleased about, but it's a guest house so no hearing your neighbors pee or fight. Not only is W/S/G included, so is electricity, cable, internet, ect. All utilities are included. Big plus. Has a front deck and little side deck with a planter, 2 entrances, ok living room, small kitchen with lots of cupboards, smaller bedroom but not too bad, small bathroom with some shelves for towels, no tub - only shower, and limited storage. I filled out the application, but I don't know that I'm really interested. I don't think there's enough room. All the utilities being included isn't quite enough incentive.
I think I'm going to look at 1-2 other places, but I think I'll also turn in an application for the first place because the location is nice and it really did get a lot of sunlight, which I love. Plus it's a decent area surrounded by churches and 2 high schools.
I hate that I have to move out and pay rent when I could be staying with my folks for free, but we really don't live together well and for my sanity, and my mother's, it's really the best option.
Oh, and I can feel the babe moving about now. Well kicks and whatnot every now and then. Just an FYI.
Today I feel fine. Good even, I think. It's a little hard sometimes to seperate out what is me being pregnant hormonal and what is me being bipolar. I think I get very "hormonal" and emotional, and very easily, and that can trigger me into having a bad bipolar day but it's usually the next day. Yesterday I was emotional and cried my fair share, but it didn't trigger me into a bipolar day today nor was the who day yesterday bad. I managed to get past it... with the promise of sugary ice creamy treats.
My midwife wants me on meds. She's worried about me having an 'episode' during labor, or having PPD. I know I'm at high risk for PPD, and these things worry me as well but being on meds now... I don't know.
Today is the lowest day I've had in a long time. Lowest since I've been pregnant. I think it's partly due to the 'ambush' of crap from the meeting last night. Crying never helps me feel better. My head and my eyes hurt from crying, and I didn't even cry that much. I was on the verge of crying this morning in my therapy appt. I'm not sure if I like her, but I couldn't think straight and she asked me if I wanted to schedule another appt and I said sure. So I see her again next Friday. She said it sounds like I wasn't nurtured as a kid and thats where you learn a lot of your social skills and personal routine things. If thats correct then it makes sense cause I lack social skills and don't take care of myself well. I also called and left a message to schedule an appt with a psych doc who deals with pregnancy in bipolar patients. I think that maybe I could agree to try something because depression is starting to get the best of me. I'm starting to feel a little better as the day goes on but this morning was so bad; when I left the appt I could see things getting bad enough to want to end it. Thats bad. Bad beyond bad. I didn't feel that way then, but I could see things getting out of control if they spiraled.
I don't know which is worse, my hormones and emotions effecting the baby in inutero, or medical intervention effecting the baby in inutero. And there is also the post-partum factor to worry about, because I'm at such an increased risk. And I'm at a highly increased risk of hospitalization shortly after birth. And what about tapering meds before birth so the baby doesn't have withdrawals? And what about meds while breastfeeding? What if I have to switch meds to breastfeed? What if the only meds that are 'ok' during pregnancy are ones that I've already tried and didn't work or caused bad side effects? How am I supposed to decide?
I'd really like to go back to the therapist I saw when I had Group Health coverage, but thats the only insurance you can use to see them and I don't have that anymore. I really want to go home, or somewhere, and just lay in one spot. Sleep and think and not think and not move and not be around people right now.
I think I came off horribly during my appt. I couldn't think of any things I enjoy doing, I described how poorly I take care of myself, that I don't feel pregnant yet, ect... and I'm supposed to be having a raising a child. She probably thinks I'm no where capable of doing that. What if she really, really thinks that and attempts to take actions on it?!? I tried to stress how I am capable and that I'm seriously concerned about and committed to not passing these things on to my child... but I don't know that it helped at all.
I think I'm going to get trained/ certified to be a doula. Might be smart to wait till after I have the baby, so I'll have the experience of going thru it myself, but there is a class I could take in June. I think it's something that I could be good at. Something I would enjoy doing. And something I could do 'from home' seeing as I don't want to have to work outside of my home after the baby is born.
That's going to be a tough one to swing. "Single mom doesn't return to work after pregnancy." I'm not sure how that's supposed to work out just yet but I'm going to try my hardest to figure out a solution. There are some research positions that pay hourly online, where you can set your own hours, and I think those are the best fit for me so far. Of course I'd probably have to suppliment that with some other odd jobs to make enough $ but thats fine. I'd really like to purchase a house and run a small daycare but the house buying bit, in this area, is kinda difficult for a single person. All in all I'm sure something will work out; the last resort being working PT outside the home. We'll see.
I've moved my recent posting over to a new baby blog... considering 80% of my thoughts are now baby centered. Well I approximate 80%. If I have any bipolar or non-baby ramblings they will end up back here.
And speaking of bipolar... there isn't alot of info or support for pregnant bipolr women. Being off all my meds is kinda crappy, but I feel like I don't have any choice about that right now. I'd be willing to consider something different in the second trimester, but not now. I had an appt. with the psych.doc but I slept thru it because of the lack of meds, not wanting to get out of bed, and baby fatigue setting in. This is going to be a fun battle within myself.
baby blog:
I think my EDD is more acurately 8/6/07, but thats one 1 days difference. Anyways... today is stay at home sick day. I don't know if this is normal mucous swelling kinda stuff and normal preggo headaches, or if its a cold and sinus headaches. Either way, I'm miserable. I did notice over the last day or two that my appetite is increasing. I feel like I need to snack all day, but half of the time nothing looks good. I spent my time today making a baby registry on Amazon.com, and reading up on pregnancy related stuff. Yes, Stuff.
Oh, and I also made these name polls, for the fun of it:
I felt much better when I woke up today.
I know it's only day 2, but it's almost like I feel I need to know everything and I need to know it now. I know it doesn't work that way, but I'm so lost and right now I don't really have anyone to turn to. And I'm not planning on telling my parents until they come back from their trip to Costa Rica. Luckily that means I only have to keep it from them for 1 month, they leave on Dec. 30th and are gone for 3 weeks. When they get back I'll be about 12 weeks along. In the mean time I have appointments and birthday parties, and holiday parties, and x-mas shopping, and...
I made appointments with midwives today.
It still doesn't feel quite real, but that helped. It felt really exciting and scary and joyus to do that. One appointment is really just an interview, to see if I like and fit with the midwife and to answer questions. I'll be 5 weeks at that appointment. The second appointment I'll be 6 weeks along, and that appointment is an actual appointment.
/ithinkimightbescared/
Single mom posts dribble and nonsense about daily life and being green.
