wornaway

I had a dream the other night in which I think the baby was born breech... there were baby feet sticking out of my vagina. Good mental picture right?!? And last night I had a dream that it was 8/9 and I'm just realizing now that the logistics don't work here, but it was a dream, anyways... it was 8/9 and the I said the baby was coming 5 days earlier, meaning I went into labor on 8/4 which really is my due date. No one gives birth on their due date... but that kinda fits cause I think I'll probably go sometime between my due date and the 12th. I don't know why, but thats how it feels right now.

I've been told pregnancy dreams are weird but this is really the first of me starting to have them. I think 'they' are right.

OMG.

New midwife is beyond fantastic. Switching is definately the right thing to do, and I'll be much more comfortable being uncomfortable there. That is all. G'night.

I'm not a morning person. Not by any means of the word.

Ever since I was a tiny tiny babe I would stay up till midnight and sleep till noon. If left to my own devices that what I would still do today, just about anyways. I try to go to sleep earlier but I get tired around 9pm and if I go to sleep then it's just way too early. If I try to wait a little bit longer my body wakes up at about 10pm, and stays awake till about midnight. So my normal routine is going to bed at midnight and getting up at about 8:30am, which is 15 minutes before I need to run out the door. Even though I don't get up until 8:30am, my body wakes up some time around 6am almost every day. I just go back to sleep cause it's not yet time for me to get up.

With all of that, I couldn't figure out if I was getting enough sleep, too much sleep, or if I needed more. I feel tired most days, but on the weekends if I sleep in till 11am I still feel tired all day... even more so actually. But when I first wake up at 6am I feel awake, so I figured that maybe I needed less sleep. Pregnant woman needing less sleep?! Yeah, exactly. So nonetheless I was stumped as to what to do.... but I think I may have now figured it out.

It’s not how much sleep but when I’m sleeping.

I’m bipolar, I have seasonal fluctuations that coordinate with the sun, or lack thereof, and I’m waking up naturally at the same time the sunlight reaches my bedroom window. I’ve read about this. I know what I need to do… though changing my routine and habits to fit this might not be a fun process. I need to go to bed roughly when it gets dark outside, but most of all I need to get up when the sunlight wakes me up. So instead of going to bed at midnight and getting up at 8:30am I need to go to bed around 9-10pm and get up around 6am or whenever I first wake up. I’m not sure how to do that because I’m a habitual snooze hitter. For example, this morning I set my alarm for 6:18am and I hit snooze until about 7:25am.... this might not be so easy.

Any suggestions on how to go about making these changes?

I've been looking forward to having my kids since as long as I could stand on two feet. I think the biggest difference between how I thought pregnancy might be, and how it really is, is that I don't have this change of mental awareness. I don't live each day thinking "Oh, I'm pregnant Lisa now." In fact it took me quite a while to even get to the point of believing I was pregnant 100% of the time. I would have these moments where it was like, OK I've seen the ultrasound, I've heard the heartbeat, I've been horribly sick, I have the stick I peed on, ect... but am I really pregnant?!? I didn't feel pregnant. Maybe it was feeling the baby move that made it more real, and I feel the baby move quite regularly now. Maybe this is how it is for a lot of women... maybe not, but that's how it is/was for me.

When I was younger I thought as soon as I found I was pregnant my life would suddenly change; I would instantly go into "Mom mode". I would be so overjoyed and smiley, I would be a better person, a happier person. It didn't quite work that way, and I'm OK with it now, but it was a little bit of a slap in the face originally, well it was a slap in my whole body if we're factoring circumstance and whatnot... but it's OK. I don't enjoy pregnancy, but it isn't the pregnancy that I've been looking forward to, it's the child that comes at the end. And while we're on that, I think I'll like having a child with a personality more so that having a 'cutesy wootsy squishy drooly baby'. But that's just me  ;)

I felt the babe kick on the outside of my stomach last night. It was very obvious and I think if I had taken my hand away I would have been able to see my stomach moving. Of course no one was around to witness this or feel it other than me, but that was fine; there will be plenty more to come. It did give me a great idea for a painting, and I think I'm going to work on that over the weekend. In fact, if it turns out well I might make more than one and sell the others.

And I think I'm going to sell PartyLite. I've been around it for near 8 years now, I know way too much about the products, the only catch is that I don't do sales. And I'm a little worried about the bipolar aspect cause if I'm having a bad day am I really going to want to go and do a PartyLite show? I have about another 2 weeks to decide...

Oh, and I'm being discriminated against because I'm pregnant. That apartment that I was offered, the manager called me in and said that the owners don't want to give it to me because I'm pregnant and they don't think I'll be able to pay the rent after I have the baby. They had someone else who was pregnant in one of their apartments and after she had the baby she stopped paying rent and they lost out. Ok, that sucks, but it's not my fault and you shouldn't be discriminating against me. They even had the balls to ask if my Mom would co-sign with me. Umm, NO. The owners went on vacation and get back on the first. The manager said if I'm still looking then, he'll talk to them again and try to get them to let me have it. I'm pretty sure this is against some law, but I don't know the specifics and I don't think I'm in any sort of position to do anything about it. I'm not sure. I do still have to turn in my application to the housing authority so I might talk to them about it when I do.

Well that was my yesterday.